Have we ever heard an introduction go, " Hi. This is Ram. I am a man. I go by he/him." Or, "Hi. My name is Julie. I am a woman. My pronouns are she/her."
No?
Because in our society, we hardly even hear something like, "Hi, I am Rita. I am a gender non-conforming person. I go by the pronouns they/them."
On the fourth day and third session of “Let's talk; Let's get embarrassed”, we discussed on the topic of sexual orientation and gender identity with the purpose that our students embrace and respect their own and other's sexual orientation, and understand the outlook of society towards various gender identities.
Our organizer Swastika Dangal started the program by welcoming our resource person for the day Mx. Badal Lama.
Badal Lama (Pronoun: they/them) is currently pursuing bachelor's degree in social work, majoring in psychology. They are working as a queer right activist and co-member of queer youth group. They also have experience in working on gender equality and rights for the past two years. Their past working experiences include gender equality, engaging in advocacy, public speaking, communication, rally and event organizing as a part of their interest and ambition. At the beginning, we listened to a gender identity song by the Son of Abish. Watch it here >>> https://m.youtube.com/watch?ab_channel=AbishMathew&v=QKk5883doWA. This video an spread an awareness in India, about gender identity after the verdict on Section 377 of Indian Penal Code.
Question: What is the verdict of Section 377 about?
Mx. Lama: The British colonizers in India had criminalized homosexual sex. The verdict of Section 377 decriminalized consensual homosexual sex between adults.
Let us look at this picture and clear some terms.
Sex Character:
The biology class in our school taught us about only two sex characters: Male and Female. But there is another sex character; intersex. We all know about male and female sexes. When a child is born, doctors identify the child as either boy or a girl by looking at the genitals of the baby. When the doctors are unable to identify the sex of the baby just by looking at the genitals, they are identified as intersex sex. There are different variations of intersex around the world. A person may be intersex sex due to complexity in determination, hormonal changes in the body, presence of both ovarian and testicular tissues and many other reasons. Nepal LGBTI Survey 2013 shows 0.05% of the population identifies as intersex in Nepal. Due to various LGBTI rights advocacy, people have just recently stared to identify and accept intersex or third gender category.
Sexual Orientation:
Sexual orientation means who a person is attracted to. The various types are:
Heterosexual: They are romantically or physically attracted to people of another sex. They also call themselves “straight". Males are attracted to females and females are attracted to males.
Homosexual: They are romantically or physically attracted to people of another sex. They sometimes describe themselves by the term gay but usually homosexual male are gay and homosexual females are lesbians.
Bisexual: They are romantically and physically attracted to both male and females.
Asexual: Although they are emotionally close to other people, they are neither physically attracted to others nor interested in sex. They might also be neither emotionally nor sexually attracted to others.
Gender Identity:
Gender Identity, coined by Robert J. Stoller, is something different from biological sex assigned at birth or a gender expression. It is a person's preference of what they wish to identify as. The society has categorized people into males and females along with which lies their expectations of masculinity or femininity. The non-binary gender do not adhere to this binary form of categorization. Some of those people are transgender, non-binary, gender-queer or those who identify as third gender.
Gender Expression:
It is related with how a person expresses themselves in the society. For example, a person can express themselves with a masculine dress up, a feminine dress up or a gender-neutral dress up.
A female with masculine dress up, generally called “tom boy", does not necessarily mean she is a lesbian. It is just their expression of dress up.
What is LGBTIQADP++?
L- Lesbian; girls who are both emotionally and sexually attracted to girls.
G- Gay; boys who are both emotionally and sexually attracted to boys.
B- Bisexual; boys or girls who are attracted to both boys and girls.
T- Transgender; a person who identifies themselves with an opposite gender from what they are identified at the birth. For example, someone may be born as a female but later identifies themselves as male are transgender men. Transgender women are those who are born as male but later identifies as a female. The expression “man in the body of woman” or “woman in the body of man" can be rightly used for them. It is a gender identity more than a sexual orientation.
In Nepal and India, transgenders are called “hijada". They are called “maibabu" in Newari language and “tulukmuluk" in Tamang language.
I- Intersex; whose sex cannot be identifies as male or female.
Q- Queer; it is an umbrella term for all non-binary genders. If a person does not want to specifically be open about their sexual identities, they introduce themselves as queer.
A- Asexual; they are emotionally attached to others but not sexually attracted to anyone. They could also be neither emotionally nor sexually attracted to others.
D- Demi-sexual; they are sexually attracted to people only after knowing them for a long time and after forming an emotional bond with them.
P- Pan-sexual; they can be attracted to anyone without limitation to sexual orientations or gender identity.
The ++ indicates that there are more forms of gender identities.
Who do we call “straight" people then?
“Straight" or heterosexual people are called Cis-gender. They are born as males and identify themselves as male or they are born as females and identify themselves as females.
Who is gender non-conforming?
Those who are still exploring their sexual orientations and gender identity and are yet to be categorized into a label are gender nonconforming people. Some people do not like to tick any gender boxes.
Who is gender-fluid people?
They are people who have fluidity in gender identity and move from one gender identity to other. Their gender expression can be masculine or feminine or gender neutral.
We hear a lot about third gender. What is it?
It is simple. Anyone who identify themselves as third gender are third gender. Be careful! Do not mistake third gender with transgender until the transgender person themselves wish to do so.
South Asian countries have termed anyone who do not fall in male or female category as third gender as a narrow term of all the various gender identities and sexual orientations for advocacy of their rights and policy making processes.
People who identify as non-binary do not prefer this term. So now “Other" or a blank space is left for people to fill their preferred term of identification.
What is gender non-binary?
They are people who are not exclusively masculine or feminine but do not wish to label themselves. This is also an umbrella term for those who lie outside gender binary of male and female.
There is a wide spectrum of gender identities which is still being researched and explored.
Question: What is a drag queen?
Mx. Lama: Drag queen is mostly related to gender expression. A male expressing themselves as a feminine person for a short period of time is a drag queen. This is for the stage or day to day life as well.
Question: Why is ‘hijada’ word used offensively most of the time?
Mx Lama: ‘Hijada’ word is a terminology used in India and Nepal. This term is used for people who celebrate the ‘Hijada’ culture in these countries. Now, due to lack of information and ignorance, all the terms are narrowed down to the term ‘Hijada’. As a result, it has also been a way to troll anyone who appear outside of the perceived ‘normal’ binary genders. This is offensive to people who do not wish to identify as ‘Hijada’.
The media also plays a role in the stigmatization of this term. People of ‘Hijada’ culture are shown in a negative light which forms a negative perception in the mind leading people to use this term to offensively label others.
I have faced similar situation countless times. People have used this term in an offensive way to label me. I don’t like it because I have my own preferred gender identity.
Let's talk about pronouns now.
The society has taught us to use he/him if they are male and she /her if they are female simply by assumption to their outer appearance. This has alienated and oppressed those who prefer the opposite pronoun or those who do not confirm by both the pronouns. Correctly using a pronoun is a basic way to show respect to a person’s gender identity. Otherwise, it may make them feel invalidated or dysphoric.
Whenever we do not know a person, we use the pronoun they/them. Similarly, we can show basic courtesy by using they/them pronoun until we ask and confirm their gender identity or their preferred pronoun.
They/Them: This is the neutral pronoun used for a gender fluid, gender non-confirming, non-binary people or anyone who does not wish to go by He/him or She/her.
He/him: This is the pronoun used for cis-gender male, transgender male, and anyone else who wishes to use this pronoun.
She/her: This is the pronoun used for cis-gender female, transgender female, and anyone else who prefer to use this pronoun.
There are other pronouns such as ze, si, hir, co and ey depending upon a person’s preference. That is why, when we meet a new person, we should always ask, “Can I please know your preferred pronoun?”
Some more on Gender expressions
What we see at the first glace on their outer appearance is the gender expression. People judge according to someone's gender expression. It's simple. More than what you wear, it depends upon what you want.
For example: A person might look like a male, but he could carry a side bag. Cross dressing, drag queen/drag king or tom boy etc all are gender expression.
Some Questions
Question: Why is our society unfriendly to transgender and other gender identities?
Mx Lama: We have been conditioned since birth to think on gender binary terms. No one taught us about the different identities of people.
There is also a stigma surrounding giving birth to an inter-sex child. They are transformed to either boy or a girl child by parents after birth if possible.
I think it is the lack of information and ignorance which results in society being unfriendly to transgender and other gender identities.
Question: If, for example, I am attracted to a male or a female romantically, but I do not wish to have sex with them. Does this mean I am asexual? Or should I be concerned if I have phobia against sex?
Mx. Lama: Some late bloomers may identify themselves as asexual just because they feel they fall into that category due to some heresy relating to the term. They do not try exploring themselves further. A person should not hasten to categorize themselves without exploring possibilities first.
You understand your preference as you grow along with hormonal changes in your body during puberty and as you understand all about gender identities.
Question: Why do parents try hiding the gender identity of their child if the child identify themselves outside the gender binary norm?
Mx. Lama: This is related to what we discussed before; their conditioning. Our parents have been conditioned to understand only in the terms of masculine/feminine or male/female.
(Addition: Also, our textbooks have not been updated yet. The same education is passed from education. In an age when the students start forming their opinions, they are not educated about sex characters, sexual orientation and gender identities. Everything is taught in the terms of male and female. Our parents' perceptions has also been accordingly.)
Another reason may be due to the stigma related to gender identities passed from generation to generation like:
- a child who is not binary i.e. male or female, is the result of a sin from previous incarnation,
- the people of other identities are "impure" , so we should not interact with them,
- a person should have committed a sin in their previous life to be born as an intersex,
- identifying as someone apart from being a male or a female is a sin in itself.
It will be difficult for them to change their deep rooted thoughts abruptly. What we can do is gradually make them understand by educating them about different sexual orientations and gender identities.
Question: Aren't those children more talented than other?
Mx. Lama: Maybe yes. That is probably because those children start exploring themselves and gaining knowledge independently from an early age. They feel as if they don't belong anywhere, as if they are alone and start befriending books, internet and themselves along they way. This builds in their exploring nature.
Question: What is gender dysphoria?
Mx. Lama: According "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder-IV (DSM-4)" by American Psychiatric Association, Gender dysphoria is a diagnosis given by mental health professionals to those who identify differently from their assigned gender at birth. This was labelled gender identity disorder preciously. Later, this concept was changed with DSM-5, and it clarifies that it is related with distress and conflict associated with their assigned gender at birth and not same as gender nonconformity, being gay/lesbian or gender expressions.
Question: Is it wrong to be bi-curious and suddenly start being attracted to same gender?
Mx. Lama: You should know that is never wrong to be curious person. When a person becomes bi-curious, they learn about different gender identities. Look, self love and self exploration is extremely important in a path to understand yourself. A person should explore yourself.
(Addition: This stigma of being wrong is all due to what we hear every day. We often hear the examples of our neighbor's children's or our relative's misbehavior or merits and are advised either to be like them or never follow their footsteps. This creates a fear to always abide by fixed norms in the society. People start hating themselves, if they start behaving outside the "norm", ending any wish for self exploration and self love.)
Question: Why do people think that bisexuality as an abnormal health condition?
Mx. Lama: First of all, bisexuality is not abnormal. People feel being romantically attracted to both male and female is absurd or cheating either gender. They are looked down upon and bullied even in the queer community. One should know that being sexual attracted to both the gender is not wrong and never your fault.
Question: Why is there more hate to queer personalities in Nepal, than what we see internationally?
Mx. Lama: I don't think it is all that true that queer community do not receive similar hate internationally as they do in Nepal. We often hear stories of acceptance and love but we overlook the hidden negativity they face every day. Yes, the LGBTQ rights advocacy is more stronger in some western countries than in Nepal, but the stigma is similar there.
Question: Are lesbians attracted to another lesbian?
Mx. Lama: Of course, lesbian may be attracted to another lesbian, trans-woman or other non-binary person.
Question: Can we say that LGBTQ community is united?
Mx. Lama: It depends. Sometimes one person belonging to one community look down upon the other. For example; a lesbian might hate on a trans-woman. Or a masculine gay might bully a feminine gay. There is even hate in the society under the society.
LGBTQ community focuses on fully able person more than disabled person. Racism can be observed in queer communities too.
Question: Is gay marriage accepted in Nepal?
Mx. Lama: No, same-sex marriage is not legal in Nepal. Many queer rights advocacy organizations are advocating for this. But if a Nepali marries with the same sex in a foreign country, they are legally accepted in Nepal when they come back.
The queer community is accepted in Nepal, and they can have legal identification as well, but Nepali law does not accept same sex marriage. A Nepali cannot marry to another same sex person in Nepal.
Question: I heard the clap of the transgender has some different meaning, is that true?
Mx. Lama: The clap of the transgender is one of the most powerful thing. It shows the brightness and charm of the transgender. Before, the kings used to employ the transgender people as handmaidens of their queens. After the demise of the monarchy system, they became unemployed. That's why they, clap as a way to express themselves. They produce music by clapping and they dance on the rhythm of the claps as a way to sustain their life by earning from it.
Question: Why do people seek transgender person's blessing?
Mx. Lama: Transgender people are considered as incarnation of 'shiva' and 'parvati' in their 'ardhanareshwor' form. It is said the god does not have a gender. So people possessing's characteristics of both the genders are considered a form of god. So people seek their blessings.
Question: What changes do you want to see regarding the LGBTQ community?
Mx. Lama: There are a lot of changes I want to see. The community itself is divided. People face harassment inside this community itself. One category of people discriminate against another category. There are issues of rape, harassment etc. inside the queer community too. The parents expel their children from their house just because of their gender identities. I want to see changes regarding this. More than the changes outside the community, I wish to see the changes inside the community by making the LGBTQ community united.
At last
This was an enlightening session by Mx. Badal Lama. Our participants left understanding various sexual orientations and gender identities a bit better. Next time they meet someone they'll not hesitate introducing themselves embracing their own identities and respecting others. After all, it is no problem if you do not understand all these terms. Just remember, all you need to do, is respect people's choices!
Out and proud to all! 🌈
🤗
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